Couples struggle with 
society's mixed messages

See the original posting by Features Editor Susan Alexander, the News Sentinel 

Posted July 11, 2009 at midnight

Couples struggle with society's mixed messages. 

Society's expectations and reality aren't lining up, says Knoxville psychologist Richard Driscoll.

And our families are paying the price.

Along with wife and practice partner Nancy Davis, Driscoll has written and self-published a book, Opposites as Equals ** to explain the conflicts between society's politically correct expectations and people's innate qualities.

For instance:

We believe men are in charge and women are suppressed in relationships. But really, women dominate in personal arguments twice as often as men do. Furthermore, men get more stressed and stay stressed longer than women do following an argument. And two-thirds of divorces are filed by women.

Men's chivalrous tendencies to protect women against bullies are working against themselves. Being openly critical of men is gaining acceptance, but being openly critical of women is socially improper.

Women who can't get a man to commit to a relationship are seen as exploited. Men in the same boat aren't a real concern. "'Runaway Bride' was funny; 'Runaway Groom' would be anything but," Driscoll says.

Bottom line, Driscoll and Davis say, is men are being disenfranchised in their families. And unless we turn things around, it will be our children who suffer the most.

Currently, 40 percent of children in America are born to unmarried mothers, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's National Center for Health Statistics. "Men are becoming sires, not fathers," Davis says. Driscoll prefers the term "sperminators."

Welfare and child support programs favor single mothers over families, they say, and do nothing to bond parents together. "The care of our children is shifting from person to government, and that just doesn't work," Davis says.

"If we had men and women equally forming families again, a lot of things would take care of themselves," says Driscoll. "Take gangs: If there were fathers present, there would not be gangs. Fathers are enforcers. They do not allow gangs in their neighborhoods.

"Two-parent families have more resources. There are two people to do the work, potentially two incomes. Fathers who are living with their families put their resources toward their families. Fathers who do not live with their families put their resources elsewhere."

Driscoll and Davis, married 38 years and parents of three grown children, say they've made many of the mistakes in their own marriage that they see in their practice and write about in their book.

But they're committed to their relationship and their family, even during times "when love goes underground," says Davis.

She's learned that he does get stressed and confused when they argue, so she tries to pitch her concerns more softly, she says.

She also says her husband has learned to "stay warm" when she is upset, which soothes her feelings more quickly and allows them to get back to solving the problem at hand.

They share both their research findings and practical suggestions for understanding and resolving relationship differences in their book. Its first printing is nearly sold out, and the book is in the hands of a literary agent.

"Almost all men appreciate it (the book) because it's man-friendly," Driscoll says. "It doesn't bash them.

"And women who want a better relationship like it, too."

It joins other titles that point out the problems men face in the world today, "Save the Males" by Kathleen Parker and "The War Against Boys" by Christina Hoff Sommers among them.

The fact that the books are getting attention is a positive sign, Driscoll and Davis say.

"If we want to re-franchise men, we have to have those people who can be role models stop disrespecting men," Davis says. "Point out their good qualities."

"For a man not to be needed is a slow death," Driscoll says. "If we don't need our men, we won't have families."

"Or at least act like we need them," Davis adds.

"I'll buy it," Driscoll responds.

To learn more or order a copy of their book, visit theOppositeSex.info.

Susan Alexander may be reached at alexanders@knoxnews.com or 865-342-6431. She is the News Sentinel features editor.

** Note:  The 1st edition reviewed by Susan Alexander was titled "You Still Don't Understand"