Benefits

Given the importance we place on equality, we might expect that relationships would be best in which men and women have about equal say in everyday decisions. And that is exactly what the research shows.

Marriages in which husbands and wives participate together and share power about equally
are found to be more satisfying and more stable. [i]

In personal relationships as elsewhere, equality provides practical benefits.

Score Cards

Men and women want to be treated as equals, although we each have our own interpretations of what that mea. Women want to be treated as equals, and not second-class citizens, while men want to be treated as equals, and not be fussed at so much.

It is human nature to our want our fair share and perhaps a little more. Too many of us want our fair share plus maybe about 20% extra for just being the privileged individuals that we imagine ourselves to be.

While we are well advised to be appreciative, the scorecards to matter. Those of us who appreciate are giving our mates credits, which might be used against us. Those of us who argue that our mates are slackers and no-good-come-poops are saying "You owe me more," and "You are they alike who has no right to criticize me!"

Yet appreciation itself is a highly worthwhile contribution, as it boosts our spirits and warms our hearts. Those of us who fail to appreciate are slackers ourselves, as we are not contributing a fair share of this valuable commodity.

Fair and Equitable

We do not have to each gain the same benefits for relationships to be approximately equal. Inequalities are everywhere, between men and women generally, and between the individual men and women who pair together in relationships.

Rather than pretend that men and women are the same, as so many have, we should identify our actual differences and then find ways we can join together to use our strengths, cover our weaknesses, and build better lives together.

We need to look not on whether each man and each woman contributes equally and benefits equally in each and every aspect of life, which is an impossible goal but sparkles for us just out of reach like the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Instead, by judiciously granting rights and assigning responsibilities, we should seek to benefit men and women jointly and equally, to strengthen our families and our communities. The importance of our various customs rests not on whether they are strictly equal, which many are not, but on whether they serve our mutual interests and promote better lives for all of us.

See: Marriage: Does "Fair" Mean "Equal?"

Child Custody

Some inequities seem benign, while others tear at the very fabric of the culture. We are all familiar with inequalities towards women, so for a change of pace we look here at a single although persistent legal inequality towards men.

Equal treatment before the law helps stabilize marriages and softens the ill will when couples do divorce. Researchers found that states that moved toward shared custody arrangements had falling divorce rates over the next five years, compared to states that maintained residential custody for mothers and visitation for fathers. [ii] When fathers want to remain involved, a strong preference for joint custody should be a no-brainer.

But to recognize that chivalry is programmed strongly into the human heart, and we feel that it is highly moral to uphold women and to punish the men who wrong them. So we tend to side with women in their hour of greatest need. Our inner Champ Chimpski charges in to support the fair damsel in distress and to punish the worthless lowlife who has so callously wronged her. Legislators craft the guidelines, judges support women against men, and as voters we go along with the whole arrangement.

While chivalrous inclinations have conscripted men to the support of women and families over the ages, bonding families together, we see here how those same inclinations can also weaken marriages and undermine fatherhood. In our modern times, the same chivalrous wiring that once held us together now escorts us apart.

Suggestions:		Agree together that in case you might separate, you will follow a joint and approximately equal plan for parenting your children and supporting them financially. If you really mean it, write it down and sign it. If you do not want to have to think about a divorce, look at the advantage: Your equal parenting agreement will increase your chances of staying married and lower the chances that you will have to actually experience later what you want to avoid thinking about now.

All Inequalities Are Not Created Equal

Men sacrificing their lives for the common good, as in wartime, is so wired into our genetic heritage that sacrificing women instead would be unthinkably abhorrent. When the sacrifices men make are acknowledged and honored, then the additional respect might actually promote stronger relationships.

Would it be too unrealistic to suggest that the popular media mention that men are the ones who make these ultimate sacrifices, so that we all might be more inclined to rebalance our attitudes and retain some respect men?

Equals

Benefits

Score Cards

Fair and Equitable

Child Custody

All Inequalities Are Not Created Equal